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  • Writer's pictureAndy Ross

The Weekend Warrior

I took a sacred vow, I intended to uphold it. With the sword that seals the darkness destroyed, I had to find a new way to bring peace to the land of Hyrule. Nothing was going to get in my way. A new Zelda game has come out for the Nintendo Switch, “Tears of the Kingdom,” the highly antiquated follow-up to the truly amazing game “Breath of the Wild.”

It was the first time in my life I ever pre-ordered a video game. All I had to do on that fateful Friday was wait for the delivery person to drop it off at my door. I was engaging in the masculine urge to putter around my basement looking for cords when my non-existent wife, Sheila, shouted down to me that someone left a package on the front porch. I put my cord search to the side and quickly rushed upstairs to find the game waiting for me in a plain bubble envelope just in front of the welcome mat.

Excitedly, I rushed back into the house and ripped the top open, and took the game out to behold it in my own hands. “I’m so glad it’s here, but we do have things to do this weekend, keep that in mind before you get too lost in gameplay,” Sheila said. I quickly removed the shrink-wrap, walked into the den, and excitedly slid the came card into my Nintendo. My hands were shaking with excitement. The game began and off I went on my adventure.

This was a Friday when the game came out. I lost all track of the time that day playing. I began sometime in the early afternoon around 1:00, and the next thing I knew my fake son, Lemuel, was tapping me on the shoulder saying “Dad, it’s time for dinner.” It was 6:00 PM. At dinner I regaled my fictional family with stories about the adventures I were having, they all politely nodded and Lemuel reminded me of his big soccer game the following day.

“I’ll be there. You don’t have to worry about that, sport!” I told him. After dinner, I went back to playing “Tears of the Kingdom.” I stopped sometime after midnight, and I crawled into bed looking both energized and tired. “Are you OK?” Shelia asked. “Yeah, I’m great! I just defeated a rock monster! I got so many pieces of topaz!” Shelia nodded politely, but there was a hint of concern in her eyes.

Saturday morning and I was up bright and early playing the game. Lemuel’s soccer match was at noon, I knew if I could just get in a couple of hours in the morning I’d have time to shower and get ready to go support him and the other members of the Erwin Ecclesiastics. I played the game starting around 6:00. It was 10:00 and soon Sheila was getting Lemuel ready to leave for the game.

“Now, Honey. You know the game starts at noon sharp?” I nodded and said, “Yes, I know.” Shelia sounded concerned as she and Lemuel went to the garage and left in our Chrysler Pacifica. She told me later she heard me say “I am the weekend warrior. The hero of Hyrule. I must destroy the gloom” as they walked into the garage. I was in a tough battle when I heard my phone beep. It was 11:30. I had to get to the soccer game in half an hour.

I screamed and just as I did poor Link died on the screen. I turned everything off and didn't even save my game. I hopped into the shower super fast, I was in and out in all of two minutes, and then I got into my car, a PT Cruiser, and hauled hind quarters to the soccer field. Luckily for me, it was only about five minutes away from the home we all share. I made it to the soccer game at 11:50. I was shocked I got there in time.

I had on a pair of dark sunglasses as it was bright out and my eyes also most likely showed a strain from hours of Zelda. I got seated next to Sheila at 11:57 and she said “Wow, I didn’t think you’d make it.” The game went well, Lemuel’s team won and after we went to Taco Bell I got right back into playing Zelda. I was a weekend warrior determined to do as much as I could in the game before Monday rolled around. But when Monday did roll around? I wasn’t worth much of a flip for doing anything and continued to wear dark sunglasses. See you next week, if I’m not too busy with Zelda.


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